Artemis Fowl: The Kindergarten Catastrophe
by Mulch Diggums
Summary: What do you get when you mix a five yearold genius named Artemis Fowl, a very short teacher, a six foot tall body gaurd, and the LEP? A catastrophe. Did we mentione that Arty's school is called the Hamburg acadamey? FINISHED!
1. Chapter 1: Kidergarten

Artemis Fowl: The Kindergarten Catastrophe

Disclaimer If I owned Artemis Fowl, or any of the characters in here, I would lord it over all y'alls. But I don't, so I can't. Rats.

Chap. 1: Kindergarten

Artemis Fowl. It was a name that would install fear into any heart. Any _teacher's_ heart anyway. Even though the small, raven-haired kid was only five, he had managed to get rid of two kindergarten teachers, five school counselors, and a principal. And that was only in his first week at Hamburg Academy.

Even though he could have been taking fourth grade classes, (and making very good grades) little Arty's mother wanted him to lead a 'normal' life. Or, at least as normal as one can get when you're a genius, your father is an international criminal, you have a 6' 6" bodyguard, and a girl's name, when you're a boy. In other words, when you are Artemis Fowl the Second.

Angeline Fowl was distressed. Her only son had recently taken to selling books to famous publishing houses. The problem was that her son was only five, and already he had written and sold fourteen books. For adults. Where did he find the time? She had him in that privet kindergarten from nine to noon, karate from one to three, and then two hours till dinner, then bed! She shook her head and sighed. There was no figuring out males.

Including her husband. Artemis Fowl the First _had_ been rather a criminal. But, finally, after years of pleading from his wife, he had decided to go straight. And in going straight, he had decided that, now that Russia was no longer communist, they would need goods. So, he had decided to invest much of his fortune into the cola business…

Young Artemis Fowl was just finishing his latest chapter on Modern Art Forgers, when Butler walked into the room. Arty quickly saved and exited his writing program. Witch he had written himself, for his own fifth birthday present.

"Ah, Butler. Did you need me for something?" Even at the tender age of five, his vocabulary was impressive.

"No, Master Artemis. I was merely checking on you," the giant manservant replied. Artemis scowled. This had been happening more and more recently.

"Did Mother ask you to?"

"No, Master Artemis, I simply felt-" He was cut off when the short boy, whose features looked remarkably like a vampire's, stood up.

"Butler. I am more then capable of taking care of myself, unless a situation calls for an adult or someone with body guarding skills. This is not one of these situations. So _please_ stop!" They both felt rather taken aback. Artemis had just said please! This was rare.

Mulch Diggums. We all know him as the kleptomaniac dwarf. However, Headmistress Claustein knew him as the rather short kindergarten teacher. The first to actually **come to her** ever since that Artemis Fowl the Second had entered her school. Well, technically, it was Headmaster Murphy's school. But he had decided to take a temporary vacation. Until the little terror left the school.

Mulch was currently trying to escape from the LEP. (Lower Elements Police.) And if he had to pretend to be a teacher, and even be in the sun, he would. He had chosen Hamburg Academy because it had a school safety officer. One who just may be able to give him amnesty from the relentless fairy police.

Meanwhile, a few miles under the earth, Captain Holly Short was getting ready to take the first shuttle up to E1: Tara. It was the closest to her perp's exit point. The centaur Foaly was busy prepping Holly for her aboveground trip.

"Remember, DO NOT ruin these wings. They're antiques. The museum is going to want them after this mission." He handed her the wings. They were Dragonflys. Holly barely suppressed a groan. Ok, she did groan. But oh well.

"Not these!"

Artemis looked his new teacher over. He was anything but impressed. The little man was easily his height.

"It may interest you to know that I'm Artemis Fowl the Second. The headmistress will have no doubt warned you of me." Mulch just grinned. And when he did, Artemis could hardly keep his eyes from widening. His teeth were tombstone shaped, and there were almost too many to fit in one mouth.

"Yes, she did."

Mulch, or as we must call him now, Mr. Diggs, had no idea how to talk to children. Especially Mud Boys and Girls.

A/N HA HA! I love cliffhangers! But don't despair. I'm working on Chap. 2: Beetroot, right about now. Please review, as this is my first attempt at a fanfic, and I'd like to see people's response!


	2. Chapter 2: Beetroot

Artemis Fowl: The Kindergarten Catastrophe

Disclaimer Sniff I don't own Artemis Fowl, and I never will.

Chap. 2: Beetroot

Commander Julius Root. The youngest commander in Recon's history. He knew all about his nickname, Beetroot, and he knew that Captain Short thought he was a sexist, mean old fogy. Or something to that extent. However, he also knew that he was a great commander. It wasn't pride, or arrogance that made him think it. It was the simple truth. And Beetroot always told the truth. (Except for that one time, when he'd been a captain, and there had been the issue of whether or not to tell his commander what he was doing, but that didn't count.)

Holly was tired. She wanted to stop and rest, but that was not an option. Especially with Root on her back all the time. She sighed. The Commander was really starting to get on her nerves, with all his-

"SHORT!" –bellowing in her ear when she was on a mission.

"Yes, Commander?" Holly attempted civility, but she knew her voice sounded strained.

"Hurry up on that perp. It's almost daylight! Oh, and the centaur here says he _may_ have found him." Holly grinned at the pointed emphasis on the may part of Root's little speech.

"Ok, I've tracked one of his tunnels. We think that he may be at the Hamburg Academy. Now, don't laugh, I hacked into their records. They've been going through a lot of kindergarten teachers-" Holly interrupted.

"Why?" She could sense Foaly's shrug. Root, who was no doubt living up to his nickname, and turning very, very, very red, suddenly rudely interrupted them.

"I hate to break up the school lesson," the pun was lost on all but Foaly, who snorted, which earned him a threat of budget cuts. Big ones. "But what does this have to do with Holly's mission?"

"I'm getting to that. Well, let's put it this way. They just got a new teacher named Mr. Bruce Diggs." Holly raised an eyebrow.

"I'm already there. Sort of, well, maybe I'll be there by nine. A.M." She had to cut off the radio to save her eardrums from being burst from Root's yelling.

Artemis looked at his new teacher, and raised his hand.

"I'm sorry, did you say _school safety officer_?" Mul- I mean Mr. Diggs- nodded. Artemis rolled his eyes. He also motioned to Butler.

"I may become sick during the assembly. Please be ready to escort me home." Butler suppressed a small grin. This young boy already was good at getting out of things.

At nine-thirty on the dot, Officer McDuff and his puppet dog, Growlers, had entered the class. Mulch decided that now was the time to bargain. Now, or never. Quickly, he strode to the door, locking it. The key was swallowed. Oh, it would come out, less rusty too, but not until he had been granted the right to live among humans. And that the LEP wouldn't ever get him.

Holly was panicking. It was already _ten in the morning_! How would she manage to get Diggums back? Luckily, she was still able to shield (a/n "Sun bleached their magic like a photo negative…" – Artemis Fowl. And I didn't even have to look it up…. Spooky!) She decided that there was only one thing to do. Screwing up her face, like she was about to plunge her and into boiling oil, she reconnected her earpiece.

Author's Notes:

Well, I'm sooooooo sorry for the shortness. I'm going to make Chap. 3 longer. I don't even know what it's going to be named yet, but no matter.


	3. Chapter 3: Scaring Mud People

Artemis Fowl: The Kindergarten Catastrophe

Disclaimer I, Mulch Diggums, Have never owned, and never will own, ANYTHING relating to Artemis Fowl.

Chap. 3: Scaring Mud People

Commander Root stared at the microphone in his hand. It had been disconnected, and there _were_ only about five thousand rules concerning that. Then, after about a half hour, it reconnected. Luckily for Holly's ears, Foaly got to the mic first.

"Holly? What happened? You cut out for thirty minutes there!" He had been truly concerned. Who knew what Root might to do her now?

Meanwhile, Artemis was concocting a plan. He disliked being submitted to the tortures of kindergarten, and had already missed a total of twelve days of school. However, all his plans had involved Butler. Who was currently locked out of the room. Anyways, back to the whole Mr. Diggs wanting amnesty thing.

"So, kiddies, now you know never talk to strangers!" Artemis would have rolled his eyes if they weren't busy searching the room for Butler.

Mulch, a.k.a. Mr. Diggs, was fed up. So, he decided to stop the lesson, get what he wanted, and get out of there. And if a few Mud Brats knew about the fairy existence, so what? Some LEP officer was sure to have tracked him, they would be along soon. Wouldn't ya know it, right at that moment, Holly's face appeared in the window. Shielded, but it was still there. Talk about knowing thin enemies.

Back at Fowl Manor, Artemis Fowl the first was contemplating his newest plan. Shipping cola into Russia .It may work, but of course, it would take several years to gain significant funds to do this job. He grinned, but only slightly. Gaining funds was one of the few ways that he had fun anymore. However, this Russia idea. Angeline was against it. At least, she was at first. When he told her that it would be used to bring all of their assets into the realm of legalities, she had been pleased.

Holly was running out of time, ideas and patience. She knew that Diggums must be in there doing _something_ bad. And it wasn't like she could just burst in. Unless…. No, that was waaaaaaaaay to risky. Root would have her head.

"Foaly?" she asked, risking Commander Root bellowing at her.

"I'm here. What under the earth are you doing!"

"Trying to think of a plan to save our civilization. Could you e-mail me one Diggums, Mulch's file?" There was a pause of less then two seconds, in which Holly could hear keys being hit.

"Here ya go!" As the Captain looked through them, she didn't notice what was going on inside the window…

Mr. Diggs stood up in front of his class.

"Ok, keep your seats. I have a quick question for this Mu- I mean Gentleman." He turned to the 'Safety Officer' who was really just an actor the school had hired. His name was Andrew Fells.

"Now, how fast can you reach whoever's in charge in your government?" Artemis, who had been contemplating just where Butler might be, looked up.

"What do you mean, _your_ government, Mr. Diggs?" the 'officer' asked. Mulch grinned. Time to scare some Mud People.

_Author's Notes:_

_I KNOW, I KNOW it's waaaaaaaaay to short. But I've been suffering from the highly deadly illness commonly known as 'writer's block'. So sorry. I'll try to update soon!_


	4. Chapter 4: Evil Laughter

Artemis Fowl: The Kindergarten Catastrophe

Disclaimer I never have, don't have, and never will have the rights to Artemis Fowl. If I did, I'd be rich, and more annoying then I am now.

Chapter Four: Evil Laughter

_Author's Note: I think that Foay may have discovered my story and mind-wiped me, because I'm at such a loss for ideas! AAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHHHHHH! Also, I made up the Atlantis Contention. And I just changed my pen name from Mulch Diggums to Dr. F. Roy Dean Schlipe! Hope you don't mind! Anyway, on to our little fanfic:_

Holly was growing desperate enough to just go in the school without permission, risking loss of magic. It was either that, or ask Commander Root for help. She sighed, bracing herself.

"Foaly?"

"Yeah?" she could hear him finishing off a carrot.

"I…" She gulped, "needtotalktoroot." For some reason, saying it very fast made it all better. Sort of.

"Well, well, well. Our little fairy commando is finally asking for help. I'll put him on." At the moment, Holly could kill the pompous centaur. Or at the very least kick him in the hairy butt. She decided to just grind her back teeth until Root got on.

Inside the school, Mulch was having problems. All the little kids were listening to the one that headmistress had warned him about. What was his name? Art-something. Something kinda girly, he remembered that much. But now…. The little monsters had ruined his plan with that safety officer! The kid, he was the short one, so Mulch was referring to him as 'Hey, you, Shorty' was becoming rebellious. He might even somehow let the LEP in, something Mulch couldn't let happen.

Artemis, who of course was 'Hey, you, Shorty', was busy wrecking mayhem. Or, at least, having others do so. All he had done was quickly draw aside the two meanest bullies, and promised that if they could get him in charge of the class, he would get rid of naps. He was wondering where Butler was, as he usually stood with the other bodyguard, Horace. There was only one other kid with a bodyguard, Wallace Matthew Henry Jacob Miltwall the Eighth. The other students called him Eight, much to his annoyance. But it would just so happen; he was absent that day, along with Horace. And Butler was in the bathroom. What a coincidence.

The bullies know only as Moe and Bo, were currently running around the room, and knocking things over. How very sophisticated. Just then, he noticed it. A strange, moving heat haze was passing the window, for the third time. He walked over, opening the window. Just as the haze, which was doing something a lot like pacing was about to pass, he threw his small hand out, hitting Holly in the chest. He gasped in shock. The 'haze' was solid! Not only that, it seemed to really be a small girl, wearing some sort of futuristic suit, helmet and wings. She buzzed out of sight almost as soon as he saw her, but he knew what he had seen. Something very unreal.

Captain Short had been pacing back and forth in front of the window, waiting for the Commander to think of something. Of course, she was thinking too. She never saw the dark haired kid look out the window, and her back was turned when he silently opened it. However, she could have seen the hand. But, she ran straight into it. Stupid, and painful. It hurt so much; she was shocked out of her shield for a second. Just a brief second, but she saw his eyes take in all of her, from her helmet, to her suit, to her wings. Not good.

Root seemed to agree with that statement, for it would seem that Holly had spoken aloud.

"SHORT!" she winced. This would not end good. She could feel it.

"Yes sir, Commander?"

"WHAT WAS THAT! THAT MUD BRAT GOT YOU RIGHT IN THE CHEST! NOW YOU HAVE TO MIND WIPE AT LEAST HIM, MAYBE OTHERS!" Holly was glad that that was over and done with. Her hearing was gonna be gone in a few years, for sure. But wait. The kid was still at the window. Maybe he could gain her an invitation.

"Commander, I'm going to ask the kid for and invite."

"SHORT! YOU DO THAT, AND YOU'LL LOSE YOUR MAGIC! YOU CAN'T _ASK_ FOR AN INVITE! ATLANTIS CONVENTION 2665! 'ALL INVITATIONS MUST BE OFFERED BY HUMANS'!" ok. Maybe not. Just then, the kid acted.

"If you are a fairy, as I believe you to be, why are you here?" Holly was just as startled as Artemis. He hadn't planed on talking.

Mulch chose then to act. He took a deep breath, steadying his nerves.

"Class, Safety officer, I have an announcement. I'm actually a fairy. Dwarf, really," he yelled. The 'safety officer' fainted. The kindergartners screamed. Artemis rolled his eyes. And not because of Mulch's announcement. At first, he had been rather pleased with the ultimate reaction. Then he realized that the chaos was not his doing. It was the appearance of a small, flying LEP officer.

"D'arvit," he cursed, trying to run. The officer casually tagged him with her Neutrino. Three guesses who she was.

What happened? Some might be asking. Well, Holly, acting on an impulse, had shown herself to Artemis. He hadn't been shocked at all, simply letting her in. she had unshielded, shot Mulch, and was now trying to convince a whole room of kindergartners to BE QUIET! Plus the 'headmistress' was pounding on the door. MAJOR headache coming on.

"You _could_ ask for help," Foaly's voice was sooooo annoying. But then, maybe he could help.

"Ok, how do I keep this from spiraling to destruction?" Artemis watched the room, silently, then went up to Holly.

"Excuse me, fairy, but I have managed to exert some control over the class. How may I be of service?" his voice was sincere, but his brain was figuring a way to gain something from this.

Holly was more then a little surprised. Instinct told her to ignore the little Mud Boy, but he did let her in… just then, Foaly's voice filtered in.

"Holly, according to my files, the door will be broken down in approximately ten minutes, if that crazy Mud Lady keeps it up." She could hear him sigh.

"I need to come up and stop time. I can do it very locally, in just that classroom. Write 'field trip today' on the board," he said all of this very fast.

Twenty minutes later, there was no sign of there ever having been a LEP disaster. All there was was twenty-two sleeping kindergarteners. Right before Foaly had come with the time stop, Holly had knocked them out. Foaly finished up with the last mind wipe, and started to pack up. Holly looked at Root. Not the best idea. He was redder then he had ever been.

"Short. Pack. Up. Now." Was all he said. It was all that was necessary. She did silently, vowing to be early to work for the rest of the week, and to do all her paper work. She sighed. '_I hate Mondays_' she thought. At least she knew she would never see any of these Mud Brats again. And she had her perp.

Six Years Later 

_"I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?" said a cold voice behind her. _

_Holly turned, her elbows raised for combat._

_"No," sighed the boy melodramatically, "I suppose not."_

_Holly put on her best brave face._

_"Stay back, Human. You don't know what you're dealing with."_

_The boy laughed. "I believe, fairy, that you are the one unfamiliar with the facts."_

_Fairy? He knew she was a fairy._

_"I have magic, mudworm. Enough to turn you and your gorilla into pig droppings."_

_The boy took a step closer. "Brave words miss, but lies nonetheless. If, as you say, you had magic, you would no doubt have used it by now. No, I suspect you have gone too long without the Ritual and you are here to replenish you powers."_

_Holly was dumbfounded. There was a human before her, casually spouting sacred secrets. This was disastrous. Catastrophic. It could mean the end of generations of peace. If humans were aware of a fairy subculture, it was only a matter of time before the two species went to war. She must do something, and there was only one weapon left in her arsenal. _

_The mesmer is the lowest form of magic and requires only a trickle of power. There are even certain humans with a bent for the talent. It was within the ability of even the most drained fairy to put a compete mind kibosh on any human alive._

_Holly summoned the final dribble of magic from the base of her skull._

_"Human," she intoned, her voice suddenly resonating with bass tones, "Your will is mine."_

_Artemis smiled, safe behind his mirrored lenses. "I doubt it," he said, and nodded curtly._

_Holly felt the dart puncture the suit's toughened material, depositing its load of curare and succinylcholine chloride-based tranquilizer into her shoulder. The world instantly dissolved into a series of Technicolor bubbles and, try as she might, Holly couldn't seem to hold on to more then one thought. (A/n this is totally copied from the first Artemis Fowl. Sorry! )_

Artemis looked down on his captive. For a minute, he saw her out side a window, but it went away. Odd, he had never seen her before. But then the flash was gone, and he became himself. Bent on gold.


End file.
